My problems are the run of the mill sort, the ones you except a second generation immigrant living in a welfare state to have. Except this one – I have a white girlfriend who wants me to convert to a Catholic Christian, and that is never a problem I’ve had.
It’s funny, I never thought religion would become an issue for me in a 1000 years, and definitely not in love. Frankly speaking, I’m not a devout muslim, I feel its a part of my identity which has now been significantly watered down by Canadian culture along with its white snow.
I’m Sameer first (obviously not my real name), then everything else. Like Jinnah said, Pakistan first! But yeah that’s a debate I’m not getting into right now.
Ever since the question of conversion popped up, it’s made me identify more and more with my faith – as if it’s something I have to protect. The fact is, I don’t pray, I drink, I indulge in drugs occasionally and I have had pre-marital sex (like most of you hypocrites feigning shock right now) yet when the idea of giving up my faith rises, it becomes everything to me. Maybe I think I’ll creep into heaven, clinging tightly to the faith which I treat as a label.
Believe it or not, I went to the mosque yesterday, missed the prayer but sat inside. It was peaceful. I don’t know what decision I’ll make, I am more confused about my belief system than ever before. I wasn’t thinking about it before, but all this has made me think that maybe God is there, maybe this feeling is God. Who knows, here I am at 38, fighting love and finding God.