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First things first: let’s not sexualize this, please. I don’t mean spanking your significant other. I mean the unfortunate trial each individual has to go through before transitioning from child to adolescent to adulthood. I firmly believe that if you are not spanked, you will never really mentally mature (*cough* Donald Trump *cough*). Without further ado, here are some essential Do’s and Dont’s of spanking. Pay attention, it just might save your behind someday:
(1) Do exaggerate each spank. Never before have you faced a situation where it is absolutely imperative to invoke melodrama. Remember all those times you and your friends made fun of Indian serial dramas? Well, now is the time to imitate. It’s your only way of evoking sympathy.
(2) Do bite something. Either your lip or your pillow. The louder you scream, the harder the spank. So keep something close at hand, or be willing to bite yourself to divert the pain.
(3) Do cry. I would advise you to cry crocodile tears, but I think we all know they’re real tears. The more you cry, the more chances there are of your parents (Satan’s minions) to have mercy on your souls. Maybe you’ll meet them in hell; that’s for some other day, though.
(4) Do eat a pain killer if you know what’s coming your way. Let’s face it, you probably messed up somewhere because your parents are never wrong, right? So just pop a few painkillers and be on your merry way. I had a friend who tried this once. He said it felt like a massage that was on the borderline of ‘ahhh that feels great’ and ‘I’m too embarrassed to say it hurts, but please be more gentle.’
(5) Do offer your parents various tools to carry out the spanking. For example, a slipper, clothes hanger or belt are all viable tools. This is done so as to confuse your parents. It is almost guaranteed that they will ask themselves why you would ever have a hand in your spanking like this. That’s good. Confusion breeds sympathy. Ooper se ao!
(1) Do not threaten to call the police or wave your ‘inalienable’ rights in your parents’ faces. Many a standup comedians have often joked about this, but this is serious. You have no inalienable rights. You have alienable rights, one such being the privilege to call the police, being taken away when it is time for a spank.
(2) Do not tell your grandparents afterwards. Your parents will come back with a wrath even Gods would be afraid of. If you want to tell someone, tell your friend. They are guaranteed to show you empathy, and that’s exactly what you need.
(3) Do not try and avoid the spanking. It will only enrage your parents. They will stand outside your door indefinitely. Come what may, the lessons will be taught and you will learn.
(4) Do not make the same mistake again that led to you to the spank bank in the first place. I mean, come on, let’s face it: if you’re being spanked because of the same mistake again, then chances are you deserve it. Try being original. Be a menace in other ways. Your ass isn’t made for the same spank twice!
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