Foreword by the author: So I don’t really know where I’m going with this one. But I had an exquisetley delicious cup of coffee right now so I guess you could say I’ve found my muse for the day. Or maybe these are the musings of a famished mind. Lets begin shall we. “God damn it! Why hasn’t that stupid Asif come to open the coffee jar as yet! I’m fucking suffocating in here!!!” cried Cranky as he bounced up and down in that tiny god damned claustrophobic jar.

“Quiet the fuck down, Cranky! Some of us are still trying to sleep” said one of the other less important nameless coffee beans.
But Cranky being who he was, jumped up and down in that stupid jar until all the coffee beans were up and just as cranky as him. Surely enough, half an hour later, Asif was up and slowly shuffling towards the kitchen. Now Asif was as tardy and lazy as they came. At the moment he was freelancing as a journalist and not really killing it, to be honest. By the time he got round to writing a story, it was splashed on the cover of every newspaper and magazine. Hell, the story even had its own hashtag and meme by the time he thought about doing a piece on it.
Be what he may, Asif was one thing for sure, a coffee enthusiast.
Whatever money he made went to buying top notch coffee machines and overpriced coffee beans that tasted like heaven but did nothing to improve his productivity. Everyday he would make himself a delicious cup of latte or frappe and sit his ass on his couch and slowly kill his brain cells watching one documentary after the other. With every cup of coffee, the level of coffee beans in the jar would slowly deplete and while a few of the more emotional coffee beans cried tiny tears as their friends were turned into hot beverages, Cranky would rejoice because that would mean more space for him.
Cranky’s unpleasant disposition wasn’t entirely his own fault.
While Cranky was nothing but a tiny coffee plant in Eastern Africa, a lost dog had come along and decided to mark its territory there. For the purpose of this story we’ll call that dog, The Retarded Dog Who Peed On Cranky. After that unfortunate incident, Cranky was downgraded and no longer selected as a premium quality coffee bean. However, due to a fuckup at the packaging facility, Cranky managed to edge his way back into a packet of extremely over priced coffee.

But the damage had already been done by then, and Cranky stayed a miserable little brown bastard forever.
Cranky was so fucking mad that he thought he might self combust by the time Asif finally got to opening the jar. The smell of rich coffee beans filled the air, which is basically due to all the coffee beans celebrating their short lived freedom by farting collectively. This was a highpoint in Cranky’s day. Some of the other miserable bastards would be scooped up and mushed and consumed by the lethargic Asif while he would just lie there and relax. But as they say, life is full of nasty little surprises. Asif must have been feeling particularly active that day, because instead of just taking a scoop from the top, he decided to give the jar a good shake. “Ouch” “Fuck” “Uh, I’m so dizzy” “Make it stop!!” The tiny beans raged and raged, but their tiny squeaky voices could not be heard by Asif. He stopped after giving the jar a good shake and set it back down on the kitchen counter. Cranky and the rest of the guys were still reeling from this assault on their senses when Asif reached in and grabbed a spoonful.
“Hey! Hey! Dumbass! Put me down!!! Get the other miserable fuckers!” Cranky screamed at the top of his voice.
Asif was all but oblivious to poor Cranky’s rants and threats. He got ready to make another batch of delicious coffee.

*Fifteen minutes later*
Asif sat on his couch, slowly slurping on his mocha-latte. He’d put in another two scoops of sugar in today’s cup but for some reason it still tasted a little bitter. But that didn’t stop him from downing the whole cup. It might have been bitter, but coffee was coffee.
*Half an hour later*

The other coffee beans in the jar laughed and giggled as they heard the sound of groaning coming from the bathroom. It seemed like Asif was in a considerable amount of pain. They had all hated Cranky while he was with them, but he had left with a sweet parting gift. Maybe Asif would go easy on the coffee for a day or two. If you liked this, go checkout our Ghussal Khana Khappay | Part One