Funerals and Folly

If you look up ‘Funeral’ in the dictionary, this is what you get: a ceremony or service held shortly after a person’s death, usually including the person’s burial or cremation. This provides us with a definition, but it doesn’t tell us what really goes on at a funeral. The truth is, for most funeral attendees, the event is not unlike a run-of-the-mill social gathering. Each person adds their own flavour of spice to the concoction until it is no longer a sacred, solemn event meant to honour the deceased, but a melee meant to remind the deceased why death may be preferable to having to deal with this kind of nincompoopery.

Below is a list of the types of people one might encounter at a funeral to give one an idea of what a funeral is really like:

The Fashionably Late Socialite (And Her Mother) Nobody told this one she better leave the sparkly shades and bright plum lipstick at home for this one; she shows up in the middle of the ceremony looking almost inappropriately put-together.   In tow, is her curiously wrinkle-free 60-year old mother. Together, they express their condolences to everyone around them in a manner so sickeningly sweet it’s almost condescending. And you better believe that if there is lemonade present, they will be the ones requesting for more sugar. The Inconsolable Crier The awkward part: the person sobbing uncontrollably throughout the proceedings, is often not one of the closest relatives of the deceased. It’s especially awkward when, for example, the sister of the wife whose husband died is crying harder than the wife….guess who had an affair. The Random Rowdy Kid Nobody even knows whose kid this is, but he or she will be trotting around like they own the place. And they sure don’t understand the seriousness of the occasion, so they’ll be announcing stuff like “I got a gold star from my teacher today. Does anyone want to see?”. Everyone within hearing range turns a little paler at the irreverence, hoping and praying someone shuts the kid up. But the kid enjoys having so much power over adults for once, he/she even attempts to touch the dead body. The Silent Monk They slink in right at the start of the ceremony, with their personal pile of prayer books and beads, and keep murmuring furiously right to the bitter end. They turn away the lemonade, and glare holes into anyone doing something other than praying or crying.

Funeral
So, so disapproving

No one really knows who they are or why they are there. And no one bothers to find out. The Gossipmonger There are two types: there is one who starts blatantly airing out the grieving family’s dirty secrets and another who takes the nostalgic approach and does it through anecdotes. The latter will adopt a sad, sympathetic tone while telling you how the husband had stopped sleeping with his wife and she wanted a divorce but then he croaked; and he or she will do this between their kalma and Fatihah so as not to come off as completely shameless. The Eater Grieving is a tough business; it requires regular fueling up to be able to pretend to pray and cry with vigour. As a result, it may not be a surprise to find a particular griever to be sneaking things out of the kitchen or just pigging out openly at the dining table where the food may be laid out. Anyone who happens to observe this will be informed about “low blood sugar”; terms like hypotension may even be thrown in. The Griever Yes, there is someone who is actually genuinely upset; their world is the one that has broken apart. They’ve lost someone very very important to them: someone they might have known all their life. But their cries might not be heard amidst the melee. And even if they are, inadequate people with their empty sympathy may try, failingly and unwelcomingly, to soothe the real griever. Funerals are not our personal playground. Though it is an inescapable fact that where there are people, there will be noise and confusion, perhaps we should all at least try to refrain from disrespecting the deceased and their family. It’s already been a long, long ride for whoever is in the casket; don’t make it longer and harder.

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