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Cigarettes and Satire

Cigarettes and Satire

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This is a Public Message:

Beware of the ‘sexist carcinogens’ trying to invade our Islamic society and threaten our Pakistani culture! In an act of brave defiance against this new force of evil NUST has taken the first step and tried to save its student body from the vile clutches of this new enemy! We now from biological factualism know that men and women occupying the same vicinity will not be able to curb their animalistic instincts also presumably the shaitan’s supernatural presence will inspire them to view each other solely as genitalia and they might be at risk of devouring each-other! (sexually of course). However, If cigarettes are added into this mix then who knows the horror of what could happen… Thus NUST farsightedly was able to take due measures and institute the policy of private smoking zones for men barring women. Because women do not understand how to handle the same ‘liberties’ as men. If a man smokes he’s probably going through a phase or is stressed from the avalanche of responsibilities being thrown at him. A woman in comparison will lose all semblance of moral responsibility and level-headed thought, she will be prompted to wear skinny jeans and crop tops! Before you know it sex-ed classes will have to become a norm. (Which is highly unnecessary if you ask me because we totally know all there is to know)

Since women are unable to regulate themselves in open spaces after being cloistered in their homes for so long and being physically manufactured to fit 4 walled rooms the administration took it upon themselves to guide these young ladies with proper instruction.

The notification issued by the administration states that the female Nustians will be fined Rs 1000 if they access the smoking areas warning that the parents of the violators will be informed as well. Because the terms and conditions for ownership are transferred from parents to spouses and the university believes that this really needs to be clarified in the Constitution of the Islamic Republic

Meesha Shafi one of the enemy’s crusaders tried to throw some shade by suggesting we rename it SATYAA-NUST but the intellectuals of NUST prevailed with statements like- “You might be a celebrity but don’t get too far and act wisely. This is not funny.” We don’t need you to draw upon a very clever and well worded pun at us Meesha! Keep your Femi-nazi Vagenda away from NUST! Mahira Khan and her betrayal of the sati savatri image of Pakistani actresses has already labeled her treasonous and she has therefore been ostracized from conservative middle-class dinner table small talk.

Shireen Mazari, Federal Minister for Human Rights took to Twitter by saying that its, “Good to discourage smoking but discriminatory approach towards girl students and gender-biased rules cannot be acceptable. Wrong message being given to our young students – it is okay to discriminate against women. Banning smoking for all on campus would be far healthier too.” She very conveniently forgot that the fairer sex does not under the law qualify as a full human, even her reliability of being a witness is questioned because her mental faculties can mislead her very easily.

NUST has several ‘progressive’ policies in place already. The curfew for female students ends an hour before that of male students, girls’ entry and exit from the hostels are logged while the same is not done for boys and parents of female students are called to verify if they stay out overnight.

“As a woman, it has been a humiliating ride to be treated like a criminal suspect or immature little child. Meanwhile, the boys get a free hand to come and go on free will”, says an ignorant student shielded from the reality of a cruel world, which she is obviously being kept safe from by decisions being made for her. The university should be applauded for taking upon themselves the tiresome task of conducting the moral policing of a woman when she is away from her home under the watchful eye of her parents and not yet married to her official caretaker as yet. The only known places in which we need watchmen for women are the streets and restaurant washrooms, where the smell oddly reminds one of tobacco…

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